In this passage Ken describes one of several ways to recognise a reactive pattern. A hallmark of reactivity is an insistence on black-and-white inflexibility: “I want it this way—can’t have it that way.” This can show up as a demand for comfort or a refusal to feel discomfort. Behind those hard edges sit beliefs that quietly organise experience without ever announcing themselves.
A sense of shock arose when I first encountered Ken’s "indicators" of reactivity. I realised how pervasive reactive patterns were. Refrains of “can’t have this, must have that” were running much of my life, shaping behaviour in a multitude of ways. At the time, I believed the psychological explanation that my reactive patterns stemmed from a disorganised attachment style shaped by adverse childhood experiences. But as I took in more of what Ken presents in Karma: Awakening From Belief, I began to notice complexity in how patterns were layered. Eventually, I began to view psychological explanations of recurrent, mindless, mechanical behaviours as useful concepts rather than truths.
A next step was taking in Ken’s reminder that the point isn’t to eliminate the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise with beliefs and reactivity, but to notice them and hold them gently in attention, especially the ones that had already hardened. In recognising those silent “musts” and “can’ts,” something loosens. Space opens, and in that space lies the possibility of freedom from the same old patterns.
From Karma: Awakening from Belief 7
Also see Wake Up To Your Life, chapter 5
Ken: Several people have asked how you recognize a reactive pattern. Well, one of the features of a reactive pattern is, as I mentioned, that they're mechanical in nature. What's one of the characteristics of a mechanical system?
Student: No variation.
Ken: No variation. It just runs one way. So, a way to identify a reactive pattern—and it's very useful to do this—is, "Must be this way, can't be that. Have to have this, can't have that. Must have this, can't have that." Any time you have that going in you, chances are you're running a reactive pattern. We run into this all the time. The retreat that I did recently in Santa Fe, there was a little confusion the first day, and there was no coffee at breakfast. [Laughter]
Student: Not a good move.
Student: Ah, love it.
Ken: See, there we are, right there. "Must be this way, can't have that."
A nobleman once asked a dervish, "I've been a student of the path for many years but I feel I have gained no understanding at all." And the dervish replied, "That is because you are too arrogant." And the nobleman said, "If you weren't a holy man I would take offense at that remark; however, I am willing to listen. I will do whatever you say." And the dervish replied, "The situation is beyond hope. You will not do what I say, and so you cannot learn anything on this path." And the nobleman said, "I don't accept that. Give me your instruction." And the dervish said, "I want you to take off your fine clothes, put on some rags, wear a horse's feedbag full of oats in front of you and a sign saying 'Kick me' on the back." "I can't do that." "Exactly," said the dervish, "so you cannot learn."
We run into this all the time. And when you hear yourself say—and we have many ways of saying it: "Has to be this way." Some of the examples that were given in earlier conversations: "Have to be peaceful, can't have conflict." Reactive pattern. "It's against the rules." Other people, their conversations: "Can't be peaceful, have to be conflict." Same thing. It's just the reactive pattern running in a different direction. So anytime you run into that kind of inflexibility—black and white, this way or that—you're dealing with a reactive pattern.
Related posts:
Recognising Reactivity in Real Time – Part 2
Every Reactive Pattern Has Two Poles