During a recent discussion about tonglen with other practitioners, someone spoke about “doing tonglen for myself.” Another person demurred, noting that it felt strange, and I shared that feeling. Something didn’t sit quite right, and this passage from Ken came to mind.
Ken makes a sharp distinction that cuts through a lot of Western psychological language: compassion is the wish that others be free of suffering; the wish to be free of suffering oneself is renunciation. And the ability to stay present with one’s own pain isn’t self-compassion—it’s mindfulness. Hearing this again clarified why “self-compassion” can feel subtly off. It easily becomes a way of protecting the very sense of self we’re trying to see through.
Tonglen has been a central practice for Ken, and he talks about it in many classes and retreats. This passage from Guru, Deity, Protector is especially incisive because he points out how tonglen works with anything that feels “other,” even if that “other” is a part of ourselves we’ve avoided or pushed away. Working with a younger version of myself, for example, isn’t directing compassion toward “me”; it’s opening to something locked inside that needs to be experienced fully.
When seen this way, the question mark around “doing tonglen for myself” makes sense. Tonglen is about dissolving the separation that creates “self” and “other” in the first place. The way I practice is to look at wherever that separation is felt most strongly.
John: Do you have to have self-appreciation or love yourself before having the confidence to do that, the faith of longing?
Ken: I don't think so.
John: Thinking of that, how possible is self-love?
Ken: Well, in Tibetan, and maybe in Pali and Sanskrit—I don't know them well enough—the idea of self-love or self-compassion is a contradiction in terms. And we have these concepts flying around really because of the influence of Western psychology.
In Tibetan Buddhism for instance, the wish that others be free of suffering is called compassion. You want others to be free of suffering, that’s compassion. The wish that you be free of suffering is not called self-compassion. It’s called renunciation. Or if you want another translation it’s called determination. “I want to be free of suffering, I gotta do something about it—I gotta get out of this mess.” And so that is the wish that I want to be free of suffering is disenchantment with the current state of affairs which leads to that renunciation.
And, the capacity to be present with your own pain, that’s not self-compassion—that’s mindfulness. That’s what mindfulness is—just that. I tend to feel—and this may be a bit harsh on my side—that these concepts such as self-love, self-compassion, self-forgiveness are often covert or not so covert ways of protecting a very explicit sense of self that does not want to meet the actual state of affairs. It’s a protective mechanism usually centered around a very explicit sense of self.
Student: Doing mind training, it seems to me that part of that is compassion with yourself in doing that with mind-training.
Ken: It’s accepting the pain. What do you mean compassion with yourself?
Student: Sending yourself light or taking in the pain.
Ken: Yes, but when we’re doing that we’re doing it with a very explicit conception of self. And the purpose of it is to undo that particular conception. For instance, an instruction I give to people: they have a piece from their childhood where something very uncomfortable, very painful happened like some form of abuse or something like that. I will instruct people to do taking and sending with that child.
What they’re doing taking and sending with is something that is locked inside them. And by doing that, they’re actually opening that up and experiencing what’s in there. And when they experience it completely, it literally dissolves, and now they’re free, not necessarily from the pain but from having to avoid it.
Student: And it’s almost like an agenda; you’re looking at that part of you.
Ken: Exactly, because the way you’re relating to it inside, is like it’s another.
Student: Yeah.
Ken: Okay, and when you were doing the taking and sending retreat last year, anything you feel a sense of other with is appropriate to do taking and sending with. You follow? Which I feel is different than trying to feel compassion for yourself, whatever that is. The other problem I have is there isn’t any self to feel compassion for. People don’t like that.